M0nKeY
Joined: 09 Feb 2002
Posts: 1235
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| Posted: 11-09-2002 07:41 AM Post subject: A monkey story. |
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I like monkeys. The Pet store was selling them at five cents a piece. I thought that was odd, since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive.
His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the gentials. I laughed. Then they punched me in the genitals. I stoped laughing. I hearded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environmemt. Theywould screech, hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds, and slam into the wall. although humorous at first, this spectacle lost it's novelty halfway into it's third hour. Two hours later, I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: They all died. No apparent reason. Theyall just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish, and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do.
There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, in the dresser, on the bed, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to throw one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey, and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending they were stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose.
It started to smell real bad. I had to pee, but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only room in my freezer for two monekys at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozem monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.
The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking him about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended they liked them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
A Las Vegas man who admitted stealing a monkey last year and trading the animal for crack cocaine and marijuana. |
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